Gas, flatulence or to emit methane gas from the body, is otherwise known as “farts.” It’s a natural resource not yet taxed by the government. As I get older I notice that I have an abundance of this resource. I didn’t pay much attention to it when I was younger; I kind of just blew it off! Oops, that didn’t come out right; eh, I mean that didn’t sound right, uffda! I mean I should have phrased that differently.
This topic came to mind as we were recently celebrating our little granddaughter Casey’s third birthday. How come you may wonder. Well, our son had to share a special moment with his mother. He told her when Casey was one day old that he was holding her in his arms while feeding her a bottle of breast milk.
“She was so cute,” he said. “After finishing the bottle she let out a tiny little fart.” He was so proud!
This natural resource is produced by humans as a result of either foods or drinks that they have ingested. Certain foods produce more of it than others, and beer is a good, liquid raw material – especially if combined with cabbage. Animals also produce an abundance of methane gas. Take our dog Lady for example. She’ll sit right by my feet and sneak out a “SBD” (silent but deadly), and enjoy the offensive odour, and yet, she’ll be offended if I call her on it. However, if I snuck out an SBD while she was sitting by my feet, she’ll get up and slink away with her head turned, while giving me “that” look. It’s the look that says: “How could you!” Never mind that – what she emitted could be lethal within a two-metre radius!
One time while we were all in the living room, Lady let go an SBD that almost killed my wife, but I applied a loud countermeasure, causing my wife to leave with Lady following right behind her!
I have heard tell that the flammability of this resource was tested by some university students during a sorority party where a lot of beer had been consumed. One rather happy participant had volunteered to be the test subject, and when ready, his rear end was aimed in a direction where there would be no danger, and a Bic lighter was ignited while the methane gas was emitted. The gas was proven to be flammable – the volunteer was taken to the emergency department at the nearest hospital, which was where “the cannon” was exposed and a special ointment was applied to the “muzzle.”
I have heard tell that there was a mad scientist somewhere, who had developed an automobile that will run on methane gas. He had modified an old Honda, in which he installed special seats designed to have holes in them. A flex hose was attached to the seats to allow for a connection with the methane gas holding tank. It is ideal for scenarios in which the driver is the only occupant, but in such cases, the holes in the empty seats need to be plugged. If a longer trip (beyond the town limits) is required, it is preferred that three other people should come along.
For extra-long trips, the travellers should load up on beans, cabbage and beer – starting the night before. The clothing act as purifying filters, should some of the methane gas is found to contain any solid components. The odour is apparently contained, unless a traveller lifts one butt cheek, and the vehicle is totally odourless and it doesn’t affect the ozone layer as all the methane gas is efficiently burnt in the engine.
Story time
Ole decided to treat himself to a beer while having a nice hot soak in the bathtub. He enjoyed himself immensely and while he was completely relaxed he let off an enormous long fart in the bath water. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm summer’s evening, Lena came in with a confused look and an object in her hands.
“What the heck is that for?” Ole asked, bewildered.
“Oh Darling,” said Lena, flustered, “I thought I heard you say, “Whataboutahottawaterbottle!”
Lena walked into a department store to buy a rod and reel for her husband Ole. She didn’t know which one to get, so she grabbed a red one and went over to customer service. A sales associate wearing dark shades was standing nearby. She said, “Excuse me sir, but can you tell me anything about this fishing rod?”
“Miss, I’m blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes,” he replied. She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. The clerk said, “That’s a seven-foot graphite rod with a Prism 442 reel and a 25-pound test line. It’s great for fly-fishing lake trout and it costs $100.”
Lena was very impressed and stammered, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound it makes from dropping on the counter! I think it’s what I want, so I’ll take it.”
As the clerk walked around behind the counter to ring in the sale, the woman accidentally let out a big-time loud fart. She became flushed with embarrassment, but quickly realized that the blind man had no way of telling that it was her, as he couldn’t see that she was the only person around. He rang up the sale and motioned across the counter, “That will be $118.50.”
The woman replied, “But didn’t you just say that it was $100?”
He said, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $100, but the duck-call whistle is $15 and the catfish stink bait costs $3.50.”
