I was in what I thought was a serious discussion with a person somewhat (well, actually a lot) younger than me. He tried to make me understand, but I didn’t agree with his point, so he looked at me and said, “Whatever floats your boat!” Huh! What does that mean? I don’t own a boat, canoe, kayak or single scull. In other words, I have no water conveyance whatsoever, including a raft to float! I have learned, however, that I don’t have to own a boat, nor does the person that I could direct this phrase at.
My cousin Myrtle Siebert, the author of The Floathouse series, From Fjord to Floathouse, lives on Vancouver Island (Askildt recommends readers visit www.myrtlesiebert.com). Her parents emigrated from Norway and her father was a logger. She has written a series of books about how she grew up living in a float house. So if in a discussion with her, would I say “Whatever floats your house?” Maybe because of her Norwegian heritage I should say “Whatever floats your lutefisk.” Or perhaps “Uffda! Whatever rolls your lefse.”
These phrases are not usually considered to be outright rude, but should be considered in the context of which they are used because these expressions tend to diminish or lessen the importance, value or significance of what they are used in response to. If I say, "I think the “Skriket” by Edward Munch is the greatest painting ever," and you respond with "Whatever floats your boat," you are implying that my opinion is mine and of little significance. That response implies disagreement, and that it is not worth your effort to advance the conversation by explaining why my opinion may be flawed.
These are catchy phrases colourful enough to be memorable. But the first word is "Whatever," and that's the shrug-of-the-shoulders gesture indicating "I couldn’t care less." There are many ways to make colloquial speech in this fashion.
Lawyers usually present you with an invoice outlining billable hours. Perhaps instead of using a boat I could say, “Whatever winds your watch,” or if said lawyer was a pipe smoker I might say “Whatever stuffs your pipe!” A general insurance agent could be told “Whatever covers your accoutrements.” And a life insurance agent might be told “Whatever covers your existence.” A salesman might hear “Whatever seals your deal.” An accountant could be enlightened by “Whatever adds your numbers.” Your banker might be told “Whatever debits your account.” A detergent manufacturer could hear “Whatever bubbles your suds!”Be careful if you tell a policeman “Whatever glazes your donut.”
In discussion with a farmer I could say “Whatever seeds your field,” and to a cowboy I might say “Whatever saddles your horse!” To a bull rider I could say “Whatever bucks you off!” And a corral cleaner might be told “Whatever spreads your manure.” A dairy farmer could be told “Whatever whips your cream,” or “Whatever churns your butter.”
A black belt karate person might hear “Whatever busts your chops,” but a pugilist would just be told “lights out!” And a Saskatchewan Roughrider football player might be told “Whatever fields your goal.” To a cross-country skier you could say “Whatever klisters your skis.”
To a brick layer one could say “Whatever mixes your mortar,” and to an electrician, “Whatever charges your plug.” A carpenter could hear “Whatever nails your studs,” and when Marion was making the fence she could have heard “Whatever pounds your posts!”
A haberdasher might be told “Whatever suits your tie.” The seamstress might hear “Whatever hems youup.” A gift shop owner could hear “Whatever wraps your presents.” And a florist might be told “Whatever blooms your rosebuds.”
Some opportunities exist within the medical profession, such as (to a nurse) “Whatever heats your thermometer,” and to a chiropractor “Whatever cracks your bones.” To an orthopedic surgeon you could say “Whatever makes you hip” and to an urologist “Whatever voids your bladder.” However, I’ll leave proctologists alone!
There you have it! I have given you just a few additions to expand your colloquial English language, and the rest you have to come up with on your own. Don’t thank me, I’m just happy to help out!
And now a few stories for your amusement.
Sven, the maître d’, asked Ole, an old an experienced waiter, why he was placing the dishes so far apart from each other on the table in the private dining room.
“Well,” said Ole, “Usually the Democrats and Republicans have discussion meetings here, and for those meetings I have to place the dishes tight together and directly opposite of each other so Trump and Hillary can square off. We only serve them finger food, as I have to hide all the cutlery! But tonight we will be seating the Deep Sea Fishermen’s Association, so I have to give the members lots of bragging room.”
Lena asked her little son Ole where all those muddy footprints came from. “I don’t know,” said Ole, “they have been following me all the way from the creek.”
“Daddy and I are so smart, we know everything!” said 10-year-old Sven.
“Is that right?” said Per. “Then tell me, what’s the capital of Mongolia?”
“Dad knows that!” said Sven.
The managing director’s blonde secretary had a computer malfunction and called tech support. The following conversation ensued:
“Do you have any windows open?” said the techie.
The blonde secretary answered, “No, they are closed, but the door to my office is wide open!”
Ole and Sven were sitting on a park bench talking about old times. “It feels like my rear end has fallen asleep,” said Ole.
“Yep, I think you’re right,” said Sven. “I heard it snore!”
