The nanny state is coming to a Slurpee near you.
Tell me, how does one slurp a Slurpee, the slush ice and pop drink from 7-Eleven, and all its similarly named cousins, without a straw? Do you eat it? Mash your face into the mountain of ice in the four-inch-wide maw of a cup? Do you use a single-use plastic spoon?
And more importantly, do you check yourself into the emergency room from the tremendous brain freeze headache you will get as a result?
These are real questions, indeed, as Vancouver, land of the Left Coast, Lotusland, we-don’t-need-your-stinkin’-pipelines (except for the one we are building to our airport for Asian jet fuel) land, is banning plastic straws. And for good measure, they’re banning polystyrene cups and takeout containers, too.
The bubble tea crowd is having a bit of a fit. I have no idea what it is, other than you suck up little balls of something or other in your tea, and that’s really the only way to consume it.
Let’s look at the practicality of this. What do you do with your takeout drink? How do you consume your large McDonald’s Coke while in your car? Ever try drinking one of those without a straw, as in sipping from the edge of the wax-lined carton vessel formerly known as a supersize cup? How did you get that stain out of your shirt and pants afterwards, especially if you had an orange Crush instead?
This will be necessary knowledge, because I dare say it’s damned near impossible to do so without spilling, especially if you happen to be in a moving vehicle. Or walking. Or breathing. But I could be wrong. It’s happened once or twice before.
Does this mean Vancouverites will go to Burnaby drive-thrus for their foam-topped Ice Capps? Fat chance. Granola-eating Burnaby will likely keep up with the Joneses and soon pass similar bylaws. After all, what is a straw but a pipeline to your mouth? Surely 350.org will find someone to protest these pipelines, too.
In the coming weeks I expect bans will be passed all along the Fraser River until it reaches the point of insanity. Where that is, I don’t know, but it could stretch all the way to the continental divide, where the river starts, and Alberta begins.
Will restaurants start using stainless steel straws? If so, how will they clean the inside? This is not a non-trivial matter, either. If you’ve got something sticky or gooey, it may not be so easy to clean. Will they need pipe cleaners? Who will put in that effort for a straw?
There’s money to be made for the first guy to come up with a dishwasher capable of washing stainless steel straws to a safe, hygienic standard. Think of the opportunity!
But no restaurant is going to hand out pricey metal straws for takeout. So do you have to bring your own? Will your wife want to keep the icky, sticky metal straw you just pulled out of your Ice Capp in her purse, for the next time you need it? Good luck with that, bud.
Here’s an idea to rid Vancouver of single use items: start with the hospitals. They have all sorts of single use items, made of plastic. Needles, tubing, gloves, and all biohazard waste, to boot. If they simply went back to sterilizing needles, think of all the garbage that could be spared from the landfill.
Single use diapers – where do we even start? Ban that godsend, I tell you! Fill your washing machine with quite-literal crap until they’re potty trained.
Single use facial tissues replaced the handkerchief. Bring back the snotrag and ditch the Kleenex, Royal or whatever lotion-applied brand you currently use.
I once saw a comedy routine where a man pointed out that white people buy garbage bags specifically so we can throw them out. It was a play on race, for sure, but he made a point. We buy those bags to throw them away, so maybe we should stop allowing garbage bags, too, in Vancouver.
Getting rid of straws is just one way to “save the planet.” Sure it is. So would not having children, or stopping your own production of carbon dioxide via breathing. Every little bit helps, you know.
Some people might think of doing away with single-use politicians too.
— Brian Zinchuk is editor of Pipeline News. He can be reached at [email protected].
