Tracking the messages that co-President Donald J. Deflector might have or could have been posting in recent days, based on his perilous action plans and uncanny expertise in being audacious and confusing.
March 2- 11:30 a.m. Going ahead on March 4 with 25% tariffs on Canadian and Mexican goods and 10% on China.
March 4 – 4 a.m. Tariffs going ahead except on cars being built in North America. Not sure where all the parts come from. They’re calling it a pause.
March 4 – 4:30 a.m. – Pause on trucks too.
March 7 – 7:30 a.m. Very angry now. Putting 50% tariffs on Canadian lumber, steel, aluminum, eggs, potash (whatever that is) and wheat. No tariffs on canola oil. Gotta have oil. Drill, baby, drill.
March 7 – 3:33 p.m. 50 % tariff on Canadian canola oil. Turns out this is a different kind of oil. America doesn’t need oil from that Canola company. Blame sleepy Joe Biden, it’s all his fault.
March 10 – 3:12 a.m. I’m not a liar, Volodymyr, you’re the liar.
March 10 – 3:15 a.m. I’m not the bully, Volodymyr, you’re the bully and traitor – Elon said so too. And you’re fired.
March 10 – 3:18 a.m. Putin’s not a dictator, you’re the dictator, Volodymyr.
March 11- 4:12 p.m. Some guy, Mark Carny or Cornie, is going to be Canada’s new governor. We’ll see what happens. Good riddance to Justine, I never did like that guy. Cornie will be happy to join the U.S., or else he won’t like what will happen!!!
March 17 – 11:36 p.m. Something good happening because I’m President, something that the world has never seen before. Will pause tariffs on Canada, Mexico and China, but, now they will go into effect on April 2.
March 19 – 12:12 – Having good hamburger and fries for lunch, the likes of which you’ve never seen before. Got a note from Mark in Canada, talking about tariff threats. There are no threats Mr. Carney, the tariffs are going ahead. I need more respect or those tariffs will go up to 50%. Okay, they’re already there. How about 75%? And Ontario can keep their electricity and maple syrup. Who needs maple syrup from Canada anyway when we have good gooey syrup right here in the U.S.A.?
March 21 – 12:38 p.m. Imposing an additional 25% tariff on all fentanyl coming into the U.S. from Mexico and potash (again, what is that stuff?) from Canada. If we don’t know what it is, we don’t need it. Simple!!!!
March 24 – 2:46 a.m. Zelenskey - a proven traitor and not as tall as he said he was. Good investigation by Kash. Turns out that Feb. invasion of Ukraine a few years ago was just a plot by Sleepy Joe Biden and those woke idiots. Kash has revealed that those 90,000 Russian troops that stormed Kyiv really were paid Democratic party supporters posing as Russian soldiers. Good work Kash.
March 28 – 1:15 a.m. Melania Trump has been appointed as the new executive manager and event administrator for the Kennedy Center of the Arts. No board members required. Wait, no, I’ll be the new executive manager and administrator. Melania just said she doesn’t want it, so I can do that little job during my golf games.
March 28 – 1:25 a.m. Forgot to mention, Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts soon to be renamed the Trump Center for the Performing Arts. First performances under the new title will be appearances by Kid Rock and the one remaining original member of the Village People, good old what’s his name and they will be accompanied by the Hulk Hogan Orchestra.
March 30 – 2:18 p.m. Tariffs go into effect on Canada, Mexico and China or April 2. Some tariffs at 25%, some at 50% and some others at 75%. China still at 10% and 100%. Elon will sort it out, he’s a genius at numbers and stuff like we’ve never seen before.
April 2 – 4:07 a.m. Gotcha Canada and Mexico. April Fools Day on you two dumb countries. Tariffs of 25% - 100% now imposed on all goods coming in from you, excluding new cars and trucks. They will go into effect May 1 once Elon figures out where all the parts are coming from.
April 3 – 8:47 p.m. My fellow Americans, I demand you quit watching the stock market. A little recession never hurt anyone. I know what I’m doing. I am the stable genius and I alone can fix it … but later. Recession is good, Elon said so and so do I. Right now I need a Diet Coke and hamburger and then a couple rounds of golf.
Don’t worry America, you’re in good hands and Elon is right here with me. I have a good concept for an agenda. Mass shutdowns and deportations are going smoothly. Nothing can go wrong.
