I still remember one commercial I caught on TV in my first year in Canada.
It was a Tim Horton's ad, where the ducks were flying and saying "Sorry, sorry, sorry." It was a video built on "the most Canadian things" (at least that's what I was told back then, as I had no idea that "eh" wasn't rude or what a toque was).
Even before coming to Canada, I tended to apologize excessively. "I'm sorry, can I sneak by?" "I'm sorry, what's the time?" "I'm sorry, I think you dropped something," but I always felt like an odd person because of that. After settling here, it became even worse as I would catch this habit from people around me.
Canadians say "sorry" a lot. This Canadian streak is covered in many shows and had many reasons to become a stereotype. We hear "sorry" at the stores and at the post office, in lines in Timmies and at the gym, at the bank, at work and at home. People use sorry when they want to express their opinion, and just as a sentence starter.
I think my "most Canadian" interaction happened at the airport in Toronto. I was flying out of Canada, standing in line to board with my carry-on suitcase. For one moment, I let the handle on the bag go, and since it wasn't packed properly, it right away fell on a lady standing behind me in line. I turned to her to say how sorry I was, but she was faster. She went, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
I froze for a moment and then burst out laughing. Of course, I also apologized afterwards, but I couldn't believe that the first reaction of a person who got hit by a bag (and in the rest of the world, would naturally get irritated or even angry) was to apologize "for not catching it," she explained.
We had a good chat, and this episode stayed with me for many, many years.
One may argue that saying "sorry" over a hundred times a day is a tradition or even a part of the culture. There is no doubt that being polite and caring is a big part of what Canada and Canadian values are. But what about all those extra "sorry's" we sprinkle around all the time? Where do they get us and what are they actually good for?
I recently came across an interesting TED talk about saying sorry, in which Canadian sociologist Maja Jovanovic shares the results of her long-term research on apologies and their role in society. While she definitely recognizes the importance of "sorry" in conflicts and other human interactions, she also points out that saying "I'm sorry" turned into "our habitual way of communicating."
Jovanovic argues that unneeded "sorry's" diminish us, make us seem smaller and often disregard our achievements. Besides, she states, apologies, where they are not necessary, affect our self-esteem.
This talk also made me think about how Americans portray Canada and Canadians in sitcoms, movies, etc. The country is often represented as a little brother that's a bit off, and its people are odd fellows that are trying to take care of everything else around them but not themselves.
Jovanovic noticed that women tend to apologize for everything way more than men. But I'd say in Canada, all people apologize more than any other place I've been to before. She assumes that women are more apologetic because we've been "socialized into thinking that it's not ladylike, not feminine, to be bossfull." Besides, she argues that women have been conditioned to always worry about how others might feel. While it's more relevant to women than men, again, I feel that here it's been the case for everyone, just to a different level.
At first sight, it seems that this apologetic communication strategy doesn't hurt anything. But think how much further everyone would get if they believed that what you are doing is right and doesn't need a preceding apology.
After watching that talk I analyzed many situations I've been in or witnessed and realized that most of my "sorry's" don't do much good. They don't make others feel better or more involved with what I'm trying to say. They don't make me feel better either, as most times it appeared like I was trying to hide behind that word, doubting myself.
Jovanovic suggests that instead of saying sorry we should learn to say thank you or other appropriate words, still polite and caring, but less diminishing phrases. Not only should we do it ourselves, but we also should help others to get out of that habit by reminding them not to apologize where there is no apology needed.
It sounded like something that may come out pretty bold, but I tried practising it a couple of times over the weekend, and you know, the conversations turned out more positive and constructive than if I'd keep using the apologies in the capacity of glue.
I do believe that we always will need to say "I'm sorry," but there are also so many other words that may fit better, allowing all of us to grow stronger and more confident.
